New Kid (yeah right!!!!) on the Blog

New Kid (yeah right!!!!) on the Blog

Thursday, December 16, 2010

How to Give a Cat A Pill

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


  1. You NAILED it! Oh if this wasn't the funniest thing! Truer words were never spoken :D

    (Dave, on this end, none of the pictures showed even though all the words certainly did. Didn't take a thing away from this hysterical post but thought you'd want to know) LOVED IT!

  2. I don't know what happened....the pictures were there right after I posted it. Maybe they just took up too much space.

  3. OMG, that was hilarious. The pictures didn't show here either, but the discription had tears rooling down my face.

  4. Exactly. The post was SO funny that the pictures didn't matter at all.
    And Dave, sometimes you get me to laughing SO hard that my sides aren't right for days!

  5. aren't showing up for me, either, but like Terry and Jenny, I didn't need the photos to appreciate the piece. Hilarious!

    Giving pills to cats is bad enough, but have you ever tried to get a cat to accept liquid antibiotics? The stuff is a little on the spendy side, and when the poor cat keeps trying to spit it out (why does it smell like bubblegum to begin with???)you have to wonder if it might just be better to let a cat fight off an infection as Nature intended.

    Why aren't feline drugs laced with fish or poultry flavorings? Seems to me it would help a lot...

    Then, again, what do I know...

    Thanks for a good laugh on a cold day, Dave. You know how to show a gal a great time!!!

  6. GREAT PHOTOS!!!!!!!
    Too bad the gals can't see em.
    You don't believe me?

    Now you know why I have dogs, easy peesy.