Only in Texas

ONLY IN TEXAS

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt. Vernon, Texas,

Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Green Light for Marge

Hey Marge, this one's for you!

The Green Light

Of

Franklin County, Kentucky

by

Dave Bell

January, 2011

There is an old tale that has been repeated for years in this area concerning a “Green Light” that has a supernatural nature about it.

I first heard about the Green Light when in grade school. It was passed on to a group of us by a very credible source. If my memory serves me correctly, the event in question was eye witnessed by the teller’s first cousin’s step-sister’s great aunt.

The site of this event is off the Old Lawernceburg Rd, approximately two miles from Kentucky’s Capitol Building, up a very narrow rutted farm road..

Now, how the story was told to us:

It was a hot Summer night, and a bunch of teenagers were driving around to different hangouts, when one in the group suggested going out to see the ghost that carried a green light.

Of course, the guys were gung-ho, and the girls were timid about this adventure. But, off they went anyway.

They drove out of Frankfort and came to the farm road that went up at a pretty steep angle the 200 or so feet to the top of the ridge. As they bounced up the road, the girls started squealing at anything that moved, and the guys started getting a little apprehensive, even to the point of rolling up the car windows..

When they got to the top of hill, they found themselves in a clearing with woods on both sides.

They were told to turn off the lights and stay in the car at all times. After waiting about ten minutes, a soft green light came up out of the woods and moved as if someone were carrying a lantern. The light slowly circled the car and put out just enough light that it was evident that whatever carried it was not visible.

As the light passed by the driver’s door, he got brave, rolled down his window and grabbed for the light, which suddenly disappeared. Then suddenly there was a crashing sound, followed by a low moan. The driver’s face was battered and cut up as if he had been hit with the lantern.

The light was next seen easing back into the forest.

Frankfort Snow 2011

What I do when I get bored during the Winter!

Best Penguin Joke Ever!

The Female Demerit System

The Female Demerit System In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-20) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a dancer (-20) Tina has silicone implants (-80) HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (+2) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+1) You take her to a movie she likes (+3) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'Death Cop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Nora The Piano Cat: The Sequel - Better than the original!

Just a thought....

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.”

-- Benjamin Franklin--

Sweet Tea !

Yep....I know that I should NOT post this.... but....y'all know me well enough by now to expect this type of crap every now and then.
It probably be interesting on the comments to this!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Back home from Cabin

Got to the cabin around 6:00..... unloaded supplies and started fire in woodstove. It was pretty cold, so, while waiting for the cabin to warm up, I let the mutts roam and I sat in the nice warm truck and listened to my book on tape.
After about 20 minutes, I checked and the stove wasn't heating up like expected... figured out that it was the hardwood was not catching fire like I needed. So, I headed up to the Crazyman's Lodge and got some more kindling from their pile and some good well seasoned softer wood from my surplus woodpile at the fire pit.
My next attempt at starting the stove worked great, and was able to get it warm in no time flat. Once I got a good bank of hot coals, the hardwood worked great.
I ended up crashng around 10:00. Then around 1:30 A.M. I was awakened because it was so hot I was sweating! Let the mutts out for a run, put on another log and adjusted the airflow down for a slower burn. Finally dropped off to sleep again around 2:30.
Woke up at 9:30...fire was out, but, it was still nice and warm, so, after letting the mutts run a little, I went back to bed till 11:00.
Guess I was pretty tired. I just fixed coffee and donuts for breakfast. Packed up stuff and headed back home with the mutts.
Kim is still in Louisville with Marisa, and won't be in till late tonight, so, I guess I'll just put the mutts in the bombshelter in the basement and head out to Cincinnati for the "Magic Banquet".

Too much "down time"

Here it is a Friday. Our work schedule got changed around for today, and we are left with the opportunity to have a "FREE DAY FROM WORK"!
Well, I slept in till 10:00 A.M. Got up, slurped on coffee and read the paper. Did a few (very few) chores around house. Kim took off for Louisville to help Marisa "tear down her Christmas Decorations and store them away, and might just spend the night.
My plan for the day was to pack up some supplies, grab the mutts and head to the cabin.
It is now 4:00 P.M. and I still ain't on the road yet.
On days like this whereas I don't have to be anywhere at any certain time, I have a tendency to "fiddle-fart around" and get off on little needed projects.
Well, guess I'd better get my ass in gear if I'm going to get out of town.
Current plan: Go to cabin tonight.... bring mutts home tomorrow (maybe)...go to a Magic Club Banquet and Show in Cincinnati Saturday night. Come home Sunday and do "catchup work Sunday night.
Now...first goal: Shower.... 2nd Goal: load truck and mutts and hit the road!

This is sweet

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who
teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwarded the
following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. An older lady received a new radio at the lunch as a
door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a
credit to all humankind. Forward it to anyone you know who
might need a lift today.
_______________________________________

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed
away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone
is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old
forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but
before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew
this was God's way of answering my prayers. She
asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Toodie

(Well....it sounds like something she'd do!)

Winter Storm News

Just got off the phone with a friend from North Bay, Ontario, Canada.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly
waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below
zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing
but look through the kitchen window all day.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Winter Reality Check

This weekend started off like many others here in Central Kentucky. Friday night we got a nice little shot of sleet, followed by about an inch of snow. Not bad, but sure made things slippery.
I had intended to just stay in the dungeon this weekend goofing off watching Univ of KY Football in a Bowl Game...( which I figured correctly that they would lose)...and UK Basketball...(which I figured would be close.... they lost).
However, on Friday evening on Facebook, I saw a posting by "The Magic Shop" ( located in Covington, KY... which is next to Cincinnati...only 82 miles away!). Artie Kidwell, the proprietor was making comments about general things going on up there, then showed a "Wizards Hat" that just came in. I got one of those QVC Moments whereas, I HAD TO HAVE THAT!
Well, I'm just a little backwards whereas I do not use a credit card to order online.... and just used up my last check from my "hideout fund" and the new checks won't get here for another week or so.
Saturday morning I got up early, ran to the grocery for Kim, and at 11:00 ( when the shop opened) I called Artie and told him to hold a hat for me, because I was on my way North! Hell, I one of those people who hates to drive 5 miles across town togo to Wal-Mart or Lowes for "needed items"!
On the way up there, I called a buddy from Northern KY and scheduled a late afternoon lunch.
Had a nice visit at the shop, got my hat and a couple of small silks. While there, got to see an interesting event. Some guy came in with his son (about 12 years old). The kid had a box that contained a trick called "Chinese Linking Rings". He said that he couldn't figure out how to work it, and needed somebody to show him how to do it. Artie told him that the instructions that came with the trick should explain how to work it. The kid said that he read the directions , but, they were too confusing. Artie then responded that he was sorry that today was not his regular "Magic Mentoring Day", but, he'd be glad to schedule them in for a private "Mentoring Session" in the future... at a rate of $50 for 45 minute session. Father and son declined and left in a hurry.
Now that might sound cold. But, it was NOT. The trick he bought was purchased either on-line or maybe while on vacation at Disney World. Had he bought the trick at Artie's shop, Artie, or one of the magicians hanging around would have worked with the kid to teach him the basic moves. This little episode would be like someone going to Wal-Mart and buying a chainsaw because of the ceaper price, then going to the local Hardware Store and asking them how to put it together!
Met with Jim, his wife Connie, and daughter and had nice lunch at a German Bistro next door to the Magic Shop. Hell, Jim even grabbed the check before I could! Gee, sometimes being old and having slower reflexes does come in handy! The little one was about 5 years old, and was getting a little figgedy towards the end, so I did a few little magic tricks for her which really calmed her down. ( Knocking a salt shaker through the table/ burned and restored napkin/ dissapearing and reappearing salt from a napkin) I think that it kind of surprised Mom and Dad , too.
After lunch, I ventured back to the Magic Shop for another little visit and BS session....then took a nice leisurely drive home.
Then, aroud 9:00 P.M. Sat night, power was knocked out for all of Frankfort and 4 neigboring towns. We had never had an experience like that before. We have had small outages in certain areas in the past, wheareas it would be out for an hour or so, but, nothing that widespread. I figured that we could be down for a couple of days.
We have a nice set of gas logs in the fireplace, so, freezing was not an issue. However, even though we have gas heat, there was no power for running the furnace. Also, no power for cooking due to having electric stove and oven.
I broke out the candles, flashlights, and kerosine lamp for light. I got an hankering for some coffee, so I got out my spare little canping stove (the spare that didn't go to the cabin) and fixed up some Instant Coffee. I tried using the Big Battery Pack (with an AC/DC Inverter) that I use down at the cabin to power up the regular coffee maker, but, it took too much juice, and wouldn't work. If we had to cook, we have the gas grill, or the gas Turkey Fryer as a last resort.
Luckily, the power came back on at 2:45 A.M., so we didn't have to contend with any problems.
You know it's really odd. Having no electricity down at the cabin is no problem whatsoever, because things are set up down there to cope with the fact. But, here, we are totally dependent upon it.
Kim was able to check what was going on via her IPhone and checking Facebook and Lexington TV Station Channel 18. Of course our regular TVs and computers are tied to cable system and all are run by electricity. I got my battery operated radio earphones to try to find out what was going on, but all of the local stations were down, and the Lexington and Louisville Stations were all broadcasting the national pre programed crap. So, we just had to "hunker down in ignorance" and wait it out!
But, today, things are back to normal. However, I will be bringing back my little used Battery Operated Digital TV from the cabin....or buying another one.

Change of the Guard in D.C.

Let us put all this petty bickering aside and get started with real "Bipartanshit"!

Touching Poetry

This kind of brought a rear to my eye! It is important that we sometimes need to step back and try to understand the wants and needs of "the other gender".

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast
With big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.

I have no secrets!

This gal "tells it like it is"!